I have had a pretty rough week adjusting to life with three and the needs and demands from each of them. I am striving to be the best mom I can be for my baby, for my children, yet feeling a little short in the wife department and self department. Forgot the pain in breastfeeding: both emotionally and physically. The feelings surrounding this issue really got the better of me over the past few days. T was and is a GREAT eater. She was a natural at feeding and had no problem ensuring my supply was going to be there... whether she would feed on it or not. The problem was, there was so much there that my boobs were permanently engorged with no end in sight. I think this is something I could learn to live with, if I didn't want to hold my baby, pick up my kids, hug my husband or move without pain. I dealt with engorgement in my other post-pregnancies, but never to this extreme. And another big difference was that I didn't have two other little ones relying on me as well. After the first week of T being home, Ryan returned to work and I didn't have the same "luxury" to sit and nurse when she demanded it. I began to pump and feed which worked for a few days, until even more supply kicked in.
anyways, to jump to the last few days...the pain and emotions overwhelmed me when I couldn't hold T against me. I couldn't pick Si up cause she wanted a hug. And I couldn't turn around to help Kai buckle up his carseat in the car without pain. I wasn't being the best I could be...but I was trying desperately to be the best I could be for T and her milk needs.
I was holding an expectation for myself because I wanted to be better at something I wasn't very good at the first times round. I wanted to be able to feed her with ease and the ability. I wanted to know that this is something I can and could do. Apart of me also feared judgement from others if I didn't do it. I know that sounds...dumb? But when you are a mom, you learn that there is this world of "expectations" set upon you by those who think their ways are the only ways...and if you don't do it, well, something is wrong with you or you are not doing well for your child. I was loading myself with guilt.
My husband has been very supportive in whatever decision I make. To do or not to do. He helped me realized what I was doing, and how only I was putting the expectation on myself...and more importantly, that who really cares about the opinions of others on this matter. It is my matter. I can only do what is best for me and our family. Everyones circumstances are different and if people only acknowledged that, then there would be no judgement. I made a decision that night. One that works for me and our family. I am not looking back, only forward: Confident in my decision.
I am being the best mom for my three children. The best wife for my husband. The best Me.
